“In a society that profits from your self-doubt, liking yourself is a rebellious act.” Caroline Caldwell.
Loving ourselves affects almost everything in our lives from our careers to dating and our ability to form loving and healthy relationships with friends and family.
Radical self-love……
Is the single most important thing you can do for yourself. The more we love ourselves, the more confident we feel to use our voices to express and fight for what we deserve both individually and collectively and that’s powerful.
It can be hard in a consumerist society that often gives us messages that we aren’t enough. If only we had clearer skin, the right clothes, a big bum, or lips, were quieter, had a partner, then we would be loveable right? Wrong. This is conditioning. It invites us to enter into a war with ourselves. Whether it’s trying to live up to beauty ideals that were standardized by the male gaze, or spending a fortune on wrinkle creams because we are brainwashed into believing that ageing is wrong.
The truth is that you were born perfect and loveable. You owe it to yourself not to fall into any traps laid down by people wanting to make you feel an inner lack in order to try to sell you things. So how can you make self-love a priority to access this power and practice radical self-love?
Here are 11 tips to love yourself:
1: Visualise someone you love and want to protect and nourish. This is great if you find it much easier to be kind to others than yourself.
( This tip came from my friend Bethania – way back when I didn’t love myself and I was moping around over some guy – it was a double-bonus as it made me realise he wasn’t worth it AND it changed my life – so thanks Bethania, I am passing on the love!
Visualise someone you really love, perhaps it’s a child you know. Imagine how you would want them to be treated by other people? Consider how you would you want them to treat themselves? When thinking about a situation, whether it’s how a partner is treating you, or whether you want to go to that party tonight where everyone will be drinking and smoking heavily, take a moment to sit down, contemplate and a breathe. Shut your eyes and zoom out on the situation and imagine you are them. What you would want for them is your answer! I always visualise my beautiful nine-year old niece. This is magic, try it with your favourite person – it works!
2: Boundaries. Become the queen of thank-you, but no thank-you! Practice saying it in the mirror if you have to. We have a limited amount of time, resources and energy. Don’t spend it doing anything that burdens you and compromises your own well-being out of guilt, or fear of offending someone else. Life’s too short! Protect your energy and remove yourself from situations or people that are draining you. It’s not rude or wrong, it’s essential for your health. I did this when I made the decision to stop binge-drinking every weekend. I turned down many invitations to go out. I found real friends stick around and I liked the healthy me better.
3: Prioritise your own self-care. We should always be loving and kind, but first and foremost understand that this ability absolutely starts with ourselves. We don’t have the capacity to love someone else in a healthy way if we are depleted ourselves, so your self-care has to come first. It’s like the need to put on your own oxygen mask on the plane before helping another passenger. You’ll find as you fill up your own cup it will spill over and as your self-love increases so will your ability to radiate it to others just by being you. Be the loving example of I-am-enoughness that you wish to see in the world.
4: “ Don’t let your loveableness by defined by someone else” This thought came to me one night and knew I had to share it with other people. Take responsibility for your own happiness. This is powerful. Sometimes we can believe that the power to be happy lies in someone else’s approval and that we need their love to feel loved. But this isn’t the case at all. Remember the love is within you, your loveability isn’t based on external influences.
5: Do things to increase your feelings of self-love. Choose a healthy pursuit, something you love to do and take yourself out on a date – this is recommended in a brilliant book called The Artists’ Way by Julia Cameron – highly recommend. Massaging yourself, going for a nice walk, going to an art gallery…whatever it is -do what makes your heart sing and your soul feel alive.
6: Listen to your intuition and be guided by your inner compass. In a busy world we can get derailed by self-doubt, or comparing ourselves to others, or even by the critical thoughts we have about ourselves. It’s vital to create a space to listen to you. On the road to self-love we need to listen to our gut and get in touch with our higher selves beyond our ego in order to know what is the most loving choice for us – That’s why meditating is so important in Ayurveda.
7: Get rid of any roadblocks to self-love. Heal the pain. Sometimes trauma and life experiences can really knock us out of balance and can cause us to ignore, or avoid pain by distracting ourselves with actions that aren’t loving. It creates a vicious circle of not loving ourselves with our actions. Worse still many of us wrongly assume we are at fault in some way. The most loving thing you can do is sit with your feelings. Embrace the light and dark side of you. The darkness and adverse life experiences make you into what you are and shape your character as much as the light that you are. Remember you can heal and you gain regain self-love no matter what has happened in the past. Think of the lotus flower which needs to grow through the dark mud before blooming in the light. If you are struggling, go to the doctors, get some therapy, or counselling, talk through your problems with a trusted friend, realise you are not alone and that everyone needs help sometimes.
8: Be discerning of what you take in. Don’t read or watch things that make you feel bad. I personally don’t enjoy reading women’s magazines because I don’t like the message that women are not enough exactly as they are. Or that we need to look a certain way, or buy something to be happy. So I avoid them. I don’t watch TV either, apart from films. I find I am happier. Doing this shifts your focus and frees up more time to do something that is better for you too, like going to the gym, or learning a new skill. For me my harp is now my TV.
9: Choose one self-care thing to do that day each morning. Perhaps it’s eating a healthy lunch, or getting to bed early or something as simple as lighting a scented candle, or remembering to stop and focus on taking five breaths each day. Little changes add up, they also usually attract other loving actions and always start to snowball. Choosing one thing reduces the pressure to try and “do it all at once”, which never works.
10: Don’t compare yourself to others. Realise that everyone has a unique path and different lessons they need to learn in life. This naturally happens at different times for each of us. So if you aren’t married with kids by the age of 30 realise that is perfectly okay. There will be people out there that have all that and are miserable thinking they want to leave their partner. Comparing ourselves to others is a quick route to misery. It imagines other people’s lives as perfect and doesn’t allow us to cherish our own. Instead realise that other people’s lives aren’t as perfect as they might seem ( everyone is usually battling something behind closed doors, but people generally just plaster the good stuff across social media) If you compare yourself to others you will never be truly happy and able to appreciate all that you do have. This is where a gratitude practice is vital: Each morning write down three things that are good about you, or that you’re grateful for.
11: Be kind to yourself, remember self-love is a process – sometimes you’ll make major steps forward, sometimes you’ll take a few steps back. So what! You are human! The main thing is you are there showing up for yourself as best you can, when you can. One off-day, or seemingly veering off the path that you visualised on a tangent, might be vital for your learning. So don’t punish yourself. Just get back on the self-care path as soon as you can. Nothing changes the fact that you are a beautiful human worthy of self-love. I wish you love, luck, happiness, healing and strength on your journey.